by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher

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The Simple Way to Strengthen and Protect Your Relationship

The Simple Way to Strengthen and Protect Your Relationship

There is something quick and easy and powerful that could strengthen your relationship and help to protect it from turning into ash. It is something that can be done every day – many times during the day – and according to new research, it makes a remarkable difference to how your feel about your relationship, how committed you are to it and to how solid you believe it to be.

Okay – enough of the build-up … The most consistent and significant predictor of the quality of a marriage was the expression of gratitude between partners. Relationships wither when either person feels taken for granted. Actively noticing the things that your partner does for you and for the relationship keeps the connection alive and directly influences relationship satisfaction, commitment and beliefs around its staying power. 

A recent study found that expressing gratitude protects relationships from breakdown, and can also buffer them from the negative effects of conflict. As explained by Allen Barton, lead author and postdoctoral research associate at the University of Georgia,

‘It goes to show the power of ‘thank you’. Even if a couple is experiencing distress and difficulty in other areas, gratitude in the relationship can help promote positive marital outcomes.‘ – Allen Barton,  lead author and postdoctoral research associate, University of Georgia.

The way an issue is dealt with will needle away at the connection and generosity within a relationship at least as much as the issue itself. Arguments are a normal part of any relationship but when the fighting draws on irrelevant detail, or when there is criticism, nagging and berating on one side, and avoidance, defensiveness or the silent treatment on the other, it can weaken even the strongest relationship at its core.

Of course, the best way to protect a relationship against dirty fighting this is to not do it in the first place, but if the communication is struggling, actively appreciating each other softens the fallout. 

The effect of gratitude doesn’t only lie in the way it buffers against conflict, but also in the way it nourishes the relationship from within. We humans tend to be at our best when we feel connected to other humans, especially the ones we care about. Gratitude fuels this by nurturing positive feelings, closeness and a deeper connection. Emotional generosity within a relationship will always fuel more emotional generosity, provided of course that both people are healthy and capable of being warm, loving and appreciative.

In any relationship, intimate or otherwise, connection is key. We are all wired to seek it and we thrive when we have it. Actively appreciating and valuing the person you love and live with is powerful protection for any relationship, and has the proven capacity to put back what the daily stresses and struggles might otherwise take out. 

[irp posts=”981″ name=”Desire in Long Term Relationships: Keeping it and Finding it When It’s Gone.”]

[irp posts=”143″ name=”Relationships: The 6 Reasons People Leave (And How to Avoid It Happening To Yours)”]

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Thanks so much @maggiedentauthor♥️…
“Karen Young - Hey Sigmund has such a wonderful way with words especially around anxiety. This is her latest beautiful picture book that explains anxiety through the lens of the Polyvagal theory using the metaphor of a house. This shows how sometimes anxiety can be hard to notice. I think this book can help kids and teens better understand stress and anxiety. I loved it! This would be great for homes, schools and in libraries.
Congratulations Karen.💛”

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Nov 27

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Thanks so much @maggiedentauthor♥️… “Karen Young - Hey Sigmund has such a wonderful way with words especially around anxiety. This is her latest beautiful picture book that explains anxiety through the lens of the Polyvagal theory using the metaphor of a house. This shows how sometimes anxiety can be hard to notice. I think this book can help kids and teens better understand stress and anxiety. I loved it! This would be great for homes, schools and in libraries. Congratulations Karen.💛”

karenyoung_heysigmund

Of course we love them, no matter what - but they need to feel us loving them, no matter what. Especially when they are acting in unlovable ways, or saying unlovable things. Especially then.

This is not ‘rewarding bad behaviour’. To think this assumes that they want to behave badly. They don’t. What they want is to feel calm and safe again, but in that moment they don’t have the skills to do that themselves, so they need us to help them.

It’s leading with love. It’s showing up, even when it’s hard. The more connected they feel to us, the more capacity we will have to lead them - back to calm, into better choices, towards claiming their space in the world kindly, respectfully, and with strength.

This is not about dropping the boundary, but about holding it lovingly, ‘I can see you’re doing it tough right now. I’m right here. No, I won’t let you [name the boundary]. I’m right here. You’re not in trouble. We’ll get through this together.’

If you’re not sure what they need, ask them (when they are calm), ‘When you get upset/ angry/ anxious, what could I do that would help you feel loved and cared for in that moment? And this doesn’t mean saying ‘yes’ to a ‘no’ situation. What can I do to make the no easier to handle? What do I do that makes it harder?’♥️

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Nov 20

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Of course we love them, no matter what - but they need to feel us loving them, no matter what. Especially when they are acting in unlovable ways, or saying unlovable things. Especially then. This is not ‘rewarding bad behaviour’. To think this assumes that they want to behave badly. They don’t. What they want is to feel calm and safe again, but in that moment they don’t have the skills to do that themselves, so they need us to help them. It’s leading with love. It’s showing up, even when it’s hard. The more connected they feel to us, the more capacity we will have to lead them - back to calm, into better choices, towards claiming their space in the world kindly, respectfully, and with strength. This is not about dropping the boundary, but about holding it lovingly, ‘I can see you’re doing it tough right now. I’m right here. No, I won’t let you [name the boundary]. I’m right here. You’re not in trouble. We’ll get through this together.’ If you’re not sure what they need, ask them (when they are calm), ‘When you get upset/ angry/ anxious, what could I do that would help you feel loved and cared for in that moment? And this doesn’t mean saying ‘yes’ to a ‘no’ situation. What can I do to make the no easier to handle? What do I do that makes it harder?’♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

Believe them AND believe in them.

‘Yes this is hard. I know how much you don’t want to do this. It feels big doesn’t it. And I know you can do big things, even when it feels like you can’t. How can I help?’

They won’t believe in themselves until we show them what they are capable of. For this, we’ll have to believe in their ‘can’ more than they believe in their ‘can’t’.♥️

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Nov 19

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Believe them AND believe in them. ‘Yes this is hard. I know how much you don’t want to do this. It feels big doesn’t it. And I know you can do big things, even when it feels like you can’t. How can I help?’ They won’t believe in themselves until we show them what they are capable of. For this, we’ll have to believe in their ‘can’ more than they believe in their ‘can’t’.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

Sometimes it feels as though how we feel directs what we do, but it also works the other way: What we do will direct how we feel.

When we avoid, we feel more anxious, and a bigger need to avoid. But when we do brave - and it only needs to be a teeny brave step - we feel brave. The braver we do, the braver we feel, and the braver we do… This is how we build brave - with tiny, tiny uncertain steps.

So, tell me how you feel. All feelings are okay to be there. Now tell me what you like to do if your brave felt a little bigger. What tiny step can we take towards that. Because that brave is always in you. Always. And when you take the first step, your brave will rise bigger to meet you.♥️
.
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#anxietyinkids #consciousparenting #parentingtips #gentleparent #parentinglife #mindfulparenting #childanxiety #heywarrior

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Nov 11

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Sometimes it feels as though how we feel directs what we do, but it also works the other way: What we do will direct how we feel. When we avoid, we feel more anxious, and a bigger need to avoid. But when we do brave - and it only needs to be a teeny brave step - we feel brave. The braver we do, the braver we feel, and the braver we do… This is how we build brave - with tiny, tiny uncertain steps. So, tell me how you feel. All feelings are okay to be there. Now tell me what you like to do if your brave felt a little bigger. What tiny step can we take towards that. Because that brave is always in you. Always. And when you take the first step, your brave will rise bigger to meet you.♥️ . . #anxietyinkids #consciousparenting #parentingtips #gentleparent #parentinglife #mindfulparenting #childanxiety #heywarrior

karenyoung_heysigmund

If anxiety has had extra big teeth lately, I know how brutal this feels. I really do. Think of it as the invitation to strengthen your young ones against anxiety. It’s not the disappearance of brave, or the retreat of brave. It’s the invitation to build their brave.

This is because the strengthening against anxiety happens only with experience. When the experience is in front of you, it can feel like bloodshed. I know that. I really do. But this is when we fight for them and with them - to show them they can do this.

The need to support their avoidance can feel relentless. But as long as they are safe, we don’t need to hold them back. We’ll want to, and they’ll want us to, but we don’t need to.

Handling the distress of anxiety IS the work. Anxiety isn’t the disruption to building brave, it’s the invitation to build brave. As their important adult who knows they are capable, strong, and brave, you are the one to help them do that.

The amygdala only learns from experience - for better or worse. So the more they avoid, the more the amygdala learns that the thing they are avoiding is ‘unsafe’, and it will continue to drive a big fight (anger, distress) or flight (avoidance) response.

On the other hand, when they stay with the discomfort of anxiety - and they only need to stay with it for a little longer each time (tiny steps count as big steps with anxiety) - the amygdala learns that it’s okay to move forward. It’s safe enough.

This learning won’t happen quickly or easily though. In fact, it will probably get worse before it gets better. This is part of the process of strengthening them against anxiety, not a disruption to it.

As long as they are safe, their anxiety and the discomfort of that anxiety won’t hurt them.
What’s important making sure they don’t feel alone in their distress. We can do this with validation, which shows our emotional availability.

They also need to feel us holding the boundary, by not supporting their avoidance. This sends the message that we trust their capacity to handle this.

‘I know this feels big, and I know you can do this. What would feel brave right now?’♥️

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Nov 7

Open
If anxiety has had extra big teeth lately, I know how brutal this feels. I really do. Think of it as the invitation to strengthen your young ones against anxiety. It’s not the disappearance of brave, or the retreat of brave. It’s the invitation to build their brave. This is because the strengthening against anxiety happens only with experience. When the experience is in front of you, it can feel like bloodshed. I know that. I really do. But this is when we fight for them and with them - to show them they can do this. The need to support their avoidance can feel relentless. But as long as they are safe, we don’t need to hold them back. We’ll want to, and they’ll want us to, but we don’t need to. Handling the distress of anxiety IS the work. Anxiety isn’t the disruption to building brave, it’s the invitation to build brave. As their important adult who knows they are capable, strong, and brave, you are the one to help them do that. The amygdala only learns from experience - for better or worse. So the more they avoid, the more the amygdala learns that the thing they are avoiding is ‘unsafe’, and it will continue to drive a big fight (anger, distress) or flight (avoidance) response. On the other hand, when they stay with the discomfort of anxiety - and they only need to stay with it for a little longer each time (tiny steps count as big steps with anxiety) - the amygdala learns that it’s okay to move forward. It’s safe enough. This learning won’t happen quickly or easily though. In fact, it will probably get worse before it gets better. This is part of the process of strengthening them against anxiety, not a disruption to it. As long as they are safe, their anxiety and the discomfort of that anxiety won’t hurt them. What’s important making sure they don’t feel alone in their distress. We can do this with validation, which shows our emotional availability. They also need to feel us holding the boundary, by not supporting their avoidance. This sends the message that we trust their capacity to handle this. ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can do this. What would feel brave right now?’♥️

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