I’m definitely in a toxic relationship and it feels like it’s too late. I’m broken and hurt and he has shit on me that I can never live down, but I don’t know if it’ll be any better than him holding it over my head for the rest of my life.

Your article is very helpful. I was with my husband at age 16, married at 17 and stayed 40+ years. I’m now 60 and struggling badly with all of it. I’ve been on my own for three years, now living with my daughter. I’m still crying every day and thinking of contacting him. He’s cut himself from his family, no contact but he comes to where I work on occasion. I’ve had a counselor for 3 years, it’s free, but she feels I’m basically fine and we now only talk once a month. Sorry for the length, there’s lots I could say but it’d be too long. My sister died and my niece and I feel I want him to know I love him and don’t hate him because he told me he knows I hate him because he read it in my journal. I keep not contacting him because I’m unsure. I feel like a mess inside especially my head. Any advice is helpful.

I really appreciate this article. It was what I needed. I am currently leaving my husband of 8 years because I have become a completely minimised worst version of myself, and I know I can be better. For years now he has been gaslighting me together with his mother to make me believe I am crazy for always fighting with him. For the whole 8 years I have caught him talking to other women online and when I confront him he invalidates my emotions by saying, ‘Oh don’t you start again with this b**t. I have had it with you going on about the same things now all these years. Don’t you get tired?’

Alright, alright I will stop doing it, only for him to go and do it again a week later. He always always tries to make mean comments about my image. If I gain weight I am fat. If I lose then my legs are weird and too thin. If I work it’s not a big deal as his salary is higher. If I don’t work then I am lazy and lame. If I cook I didn’t do anything special, I just cooked. If I didn’t cook then I am not taking care of him properly as a wife – and so on and on. Nothing ever is enough.

I voice my concerns to him and when he dismisses me I start a fight and I am just in rage. By this time he tells me life is a living hell with me and stonewalls me. He withholds affection and acts like it’s me doing something wrong. This then triggers something in me and I am the one ending up apologising to him.

I finally got the strength to ask for a divorce and say its enough. We still live in the same house and I am still afraid that I will be manipulated again to believe I am in the wrong and never escape.

My late husband overdosed on fentanyl and died. Fentanyl was not his drug of choice. To this day I don’t know if he committed suicide. He was in a very bad place. I still feel guilt. I was in the other room when he died and had no idea he was gone. I was only with him 3 years and it was a constant battle from 6 months on. I was always afraid he would overdose and die. It was a train wreck that I in some ways saw coming. I miss and love him but realize I was powerless. I have no good solution just know your feelings are valid and you are not alone. I wish my love could have saved him.

My prayers are with you for your wish to come true.

Don’t forget that we all experience difficulties growing up so there are definitely men out there who are as open and loving as you are who have overcome difficult pasts just as you are doing.

Be compassionate with yourself and others and congratulate yourself on the progress you have made — I can hear it in your words that you have.

Be the person you want to be and find happiness in yourself and daily life and in doing activities your really enjoy (this is where I am now after a lot of struggle) and keep your eyes open!!!

Just be the kind of person you want to be, focus on yourself and what you want out of life. Avoid the drama like the plague. Disengage. Think about the qualities you like about yourself and don’t let what others think of you affect you. What others see is often projection—they are seeing what they don’t like that is inside themselves.

Thank you for your open-ness. My heart goes out to you and I feel sure you will rise above these difficulties to claim the happy life filled with love and laughter that you deserve.

Take care!